O my scars and garters

Showing my Dad the 'Only Lovers Left Alive' Photo

Me: Behoooooold!
Dad: Jesus, Tilda Swinton's really tall.
Me: She's sitting on his lap, Dad.
Dad: He doesn't have a lap. His legs are like chicken legs.
Me: The hair though!
Dad: He looks like Petey.
Me: Who is Petey?
Dad: The guy that works the lunch truck at the construction site by my office.
Me: Perhaps Petey was really Tom in disguise, researching for his next role as a sassy lunch truck guy.
Dad: No, Petey has an Australian accent.
Me: Hey Dad, you know that poem, 'The Duck and the Kangaroo'?
 Some Time Later
Dad: I HAVE BEEN BUYING SLOPPY JOES FROM TOM HIDDLESTON.

My Dad watches 'The Hobbit'

Dad: Thrain is really Scrooge McDucking it up over there.
Dad: I WANNA SEE THE DRAGON WHY WON'T THEY SHOW THE DRAGON?
Dad: So... the wizards are all magic hippies?
Dad: That white guy looks too handsome to be an orc. He looks like Ray Winstone when he does that scrunchy-mouth thing.
Dad: And, what did he defile exactly? Someone's called 'the defiler' and you want to avoid them.
Dad: I WANNA SEE ARWEN WHY WON'T THEY SHOW ARWEN?
Dad: SHIT IT'S GOLLUM. LOOK. LOOK AT GOLLUM. GOLLUM LOOKS AWESOME.
Dad: Jesus Gandalf don't start forest fires.
Dad: Bilbo saved Thorin's life and now they're in love like in Disney.
Dad: OH SWEET JESUS IT'S THE DRAGON.

The gospel of Dundee

Me: I see Jesus as kind of a hippie who's like a mix between Gandalf and a stoner lifeguard.
Dad: To me he's more like the guy from the Dos Equis commercials.
Crocodile Dundee: *is on tv*
Me: What if Jesus was like Crocodile Dundee?
Dad: I bet he's EXACTLY like Crocodile Dundee!
Me: And Lo, the Vagrant did extend upon Dundee the threat of his knife, and smiling in good-natured humor did the Lord Dundee withdraw from amidst his leather vest a noticably larger knife, and he did proclaim, "Nay, that which you pointeth at my tender belly is not, in truth, a knife, for Behold, THIS is a knife."
Dad: And the Vagrant did look upon the Lord Dundee's knife, and the blindness fell from his eyes and he saw the knife of the Lord and saw that indeed it was a knife.
Me: And so the Vagrant fled, abashed at the Lord Dundee's shining vision of True Knifedness.
Dad: And Lo, therefore, all knives shall hence be judged against the Knife of the Lord, amen.

My Dad wants to watch 'The Deep Blue Sea'

Me: *talking about my day* ...and then I got home to find something LOVELY in the mail!
Dad: What?
Me: 'The Deep Blue Sea'!
Dad: Is that a metaphor?
Me: No, it's a movie. I ordered it a couple of days ago.
Dad: OOOOH WAIT. That's the one with Tom in it, right?
Me: Yup.
Dad: We have to watch it together!
Me: ...No.
Dad: What? Why not? You want to keep him all to yourself! That's not fair!
Me: No, you can watch it. Just, I don't want to watch it together. It's, um...rated R. If you know what I mean.
Dad: Ohhhhhhh. Alright then. You can watch it first and then I'll borrow it.
Me: Thank you.
Dad: And if the DVD case is a little sticky, I won't think anything of it.
Me: DAD. HOW VULGAR. I WOULD NEVER.
Dad: I'm teasing, Mad. 
Me: Heavens to Betsy.
Dad: Who else is in it?
Me: Rachel Weiss.
Dad: Oh, I like Rachel Weiss! I also really like her brother.
Me: Huh?
Dad: Yeah, you know, Rachel Weiss's brother Edel. There's a song about him.
Me: ?
Dad: Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greeeeeet meeeeee...

Watching Deleted Scenes from 'Thor' with my Dad, part three

Dad: So what's up with the sparkly biodome?
Me: No idea. I thought it was like a decorative canopy for the bed.
Dad: Maybe it's like a night light.
Me: The Allfather does not sleep with a night light.
Dad: He does. It's a night light.
 Later
Dad: Oh god Loki with the eyes.
Me: *sigh*
Dad: Please make him stop.
Me: Nothing would give me greater happiness, but alas, fictional people are beyond the reach of my comforting embrace.
Dad: You're just not trying hard enough! Put your back into it!
 Later
Dad: *gasp* Loki's the king!
Me: You've seen the movie before, Dad, you knew he was going to take the throne.
Dad: But he's scared and he doesn't know what's happening! Maybe he didn't want to be king after all.
Me: He says as much at the end.
Dad: But he's a lying little bastard.
Me: I thought you liked him.
Dad: I do, but at the same time I can recognize that he is, in fact, a little bastard. I can know that someone's very flawed and still like them.
Me: And your mancrush on Tom Hiddleston factors in where?
Dad: He's just so pretty when he's a lying little bastard.
 The End

Watching Deleted Scenes from 'Thor' with my Dad, part two

Dad: That bearded guy is really into food. I bet he eats his feelings. He eats to fill up the emptiness inside.
Me: No man with a beard of perfect ginger ringlets could ever feel empty inside, Father. What is this foolish talk.
Dad: He feels invalidated and overshadowed by his beautiful beard, Mad. He's under incredible pressure to live up to that beard, and that's why he constantly eats to deal with the stress.
Me: Headcanon accepted!
Dad: What does that mean?
 Later
Thor: We're going to Jotunheim!
Sif: But it's forbidden!
Dad: THAT JUST MAKES IT HOTTER.
 Later
Dad: Look how awkward Thor's friends are now that Loki's going! Thor's just dangling him in front of them like, "If you guys don't come with us then you're even wimpier than my wimpy baby brother because he's coming even though he's so wimpy."
Me: You have so many insights into this film.
 Later
Me: They call this 'Disney Prince Loki'.
Dad: No shit! Look at his hair blowing in the wind! He's like Fabio, if Fabio was British and scrawny.
Me: He's not scrawny, he's slender.
Dad: *eyeroll*

Watching Deleted Scenes from 'Thor' with my Dad, part one

Dad: Why's he grabbing his junk like that.
Me: He's just got his hands folded, he isn't grabbing his junk. Remove your mind from the gutter.
Dad: You know, that outfit doesn't make any sense. Why's he got armor on the sides of his legs like that?
Me: To protect his tender haunches?
Dad: But, like, his crotch area is wide open. Defenseless! I bet Odin had his armor made like that on purpose just to be mean.
Me: You're right. Loki ought to have a codpiece or something.
Dad: A fancy one.
Me: A golden one!
Dad: Encrusted with jewels!
Me: And feathers!
Dad: And flowers!
Me: And jingly bells!
Dad: We should be the costume designers for these movies.
Thor & Loki: *have tender brotherly feelings*
Dad: Loki, you little bastard! You're lying right through your goddamn teeth! Right now you're probably thinking about those frost giants you let into the castle and you've got a raging mischief boner about all the trouble you're going to stir up!
Me: You seem to have taken a sudden keen interest in Loki's unmentionable region, Father.
Dad: It's his helmet, I think. It suggests.

Watching 'Miss Austen Regrets' with my Dad, part two

Dad: Fanny's a brat.
Me: She's upset, and justifiably so. I am sure that if Tom Hiddleston got halfway through proposing to me then changed his mind and wandered off, babbling about trees, I'd pitch a fit as well.
Dad: I think she's better off without Mr. Douchey. He hates fun on principle and didn't want to dance with her.
Me: He changed his mind!
Dad: Still. He didn't want to dance with a cute girl because it was Sunday, but then gambling is perfectly okay? Kid doesn't have his head on right. If he weren't Tom I don't think I would like him at all.
Me: But because he is Tom, you are forcing yourself to like him against your better judgement?
Dad: His hair looks like noodles.
 Later
Dad: WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS THAT TURD.
Me: What turd?
Dad: THAT TURD FANNY'S MARRYING WHO IS NOT TOM.
Me: I don't know.
Dad: WHY ISN'T SHE MARRYING TOM.
Me: Because he got engaged to someone else, remember?
Dad: BUT I THOUGHT HE'D CHANGE HIS MIND AND THEY'D GET BACK TOGETHER JUST LIKE IN JANE'S BOOKS.
Me: This is about Jane's life, Dad, not her books.
Dad: BUT. BUT. HE'S NOT TOM. WHY WOULD SHE MARRY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TOM. HE'S JUST SOME TURD AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO BE MRS. TURD INSTEAD OF MRS. TOM. THIS IS AWFUL.
Me: Also, Jane Austen died poor and alone? That's kinda sad too? Besides, I thought you didn't like Mr. Plumptre.
Dad: BUT HE'S TOM.
Me: You are a complex individual to be certain, Father.
Dad: I don't like this movie.

Watching 'Miss Austen Regrets' with my Dad, part one

Dad: What's she doing with that sheet?
Me: She's holding it up for privacy while Fanny, um, conducts her business.
Dad: What? They're just going out in the woods?
Me: Do you see a gas station anywhere?
Dad: Besides, British people don't poop!
Me: What.
Dad: British people don't poop.
Me: Dare I ask why you think that?
Dad: They're too classy and fancy and whatnot. Look at Harry Potter or Bridget Jones's Diary. Nobody poops in those.
Me: ...Dad. I can't even. What are you even talking about.
Dad: Nobody in any Jane Austen book ever poops.
Me: Well hello there, senile dementia, we've been expecting you.
Dad: Ask a British person sometime. They don't poop. Ever.
 Later
Dad: I like Loki better than Mr. Plumptre. This dude's kinda douchey. He's just sitting there like, "Blah blah morals blah blah God blah blah I hate fun blah blah blah..." and Jane's like "Kid just shut up and eat your cake."
Me: *laughs*
Dad: Okay now what the hell are they doing.
Me: What?
Dad: Running around the hedge maze and throwing ribbon everywhere like a couple of spazzes. Why are they doing that?
Me: Symbolism, Dad.
Dad: Who's going to clean that up?
Me: ...The film crew?
Dad: I mean in the context of the story. Who is going to clean all that ribbon out of the hedges?
Me: I don't know. The servants.
Dad: I bet they're sitting up in the window watching this foolishness and going, "Aw, goddamnit, those crazy-ass rich kids are throwing trash around in the hedges again." I bet this is just what they do for fun, these high-class, rich people. They make these big, crazy messes just so that the servants have to clean it up.
Me: Dad, it's a movie.
Dad: Rich assholes and their stupid ribbons.

My Dad makes a request (apologies in advance to Tom Hiddleston)

Me: So Dad, do you have any special ideas for Father's Day?
Dad: I'm fine with our original plan of gifts, lunch, and a movie.
Me: But do you want to do or receive anything super special in particular?
Dad: No...?
Me: Because, well...right now is the time to ask. You are a splendid dad and a splendid human and I love and appreciate you and everything you do so much. I want to give you things and do things for you. 
Dad: Aren't you already?
Me: Well, yeah, but not special things. I'm only saying, if you want something special, just name it. Name it! Even if you say, like, you want a pegasus or something. I don't care who I have to kill or blow, you will have that pegasus.
Dad: Well I was kind of wanting a new ladder, but now that there's a pegasus on the table...
Me: *laughs*
Dad: Actually, you know what? There is something. I went on the web and looked up what RPF is...
Me: No.
Dad: ...and what I want for Father's Day this year...
Me: No.
Dad: ...is for your to write a story...
Me: No.
Dad: ...about Tom Hiddleston.
Me: NO.
Dad: What do you mean 'no'?
Me: I mean NO, Dad. I will not write Hiddles RPF for you.
Dad: Excuse me, what happened to 'I don't care who I have to kill or blow'?
Me: That was different. I was talking about a pegasus. I will not do this.
Dad: Why not?
Me: Because I think it's creepy and I won't do it.
Dad: How is it creepy? You give people stories as presents all the time.
Me: Yes, but not stories with real people!
Dad: Bullshit! 
Me: Well, okay, but they're always about the people getting the story, and they're right there and I know them personally and stuff. Tom's a stranger and it's creepy.
Dad: Please write it anyway?
Me: No.
Dad: For Father's Day?
Me: No.
Dad: Before I'm dead?
Me: You're only fifty-eight.
Dad: But...*sigh* Okay, baby. I understand that you aren't comfortable doing this and that you have to do what's right for you and stick by your principles. That's why I'm so proud of you, Mad; you're a talented young woman full of strength and integrity. Having you for a daughter is the best gift any dad could ever hope for.
Me: ...Damn it, Dad.
Dad: Can you write an action scene?
Me: Sure.
Dad: And I still don't quite understand what a 'shipper' is, but I want there to be pirates in the story.
Me: Okay.
Dad: And I'm the Captain.
Me: Anything else?
Dad: I'll let you know if I think of anything.
Me: *sigh* Are you sure you wouldn't rather have that ladder?
Dad: Honestly I'd rather you marry Tom just so that I get to hang out with him, but I don't think you'd be able to swing that by tomorrow.
Me: I already feel dirty.
Dad: I want French onion soup.
Me: In the story?
Dad: No, for lunch.

I learned something about my Dad today

Me: Hey Dad?
Dad: Yes?
Me: Not that I don't love that we can geek out about Tom together but...I can't help but suspect that you're pulling a Robot Chicken on me.
Dad: I don't know what that means.
Me: Robot Chicken is a tv show. They had this sketch where a girl was interrupting her dad watching the news or a sports game or something because she wanted to watch Inuyasha--
Dad: What the hell is an Inuyasha?
Me: Not important. Anyway, the dad starts acting like he likes Inuyasha too, and then he takes it to crazy extremes; always talking about Inuyasha, filling the house with Inuyasha stuff, dressing like Inuyasha, until the daughter gets so sick of it that she never wants to watch Inuyasha ever again. And it turns out that it was all just an act to get the daughter to stop hogging the TV.
Dad: And?
Me: I kinda feel like that's what you're doing with Tom Hiddleston.
Dad: I'm not! I genuinely like Tom!
Me: Yeah, I know.
Dad: I just like him a lot, okay? From the stuff you've shown me and told me about him, he seems like a really good guy. He's talented and smart. He says hello to babies and has an infectious smile.
Me: ...
Dad: And, okay, maybe I think he'd make a really good son-in-law...
Me: Pardon?
Dad: Well, you know I love you very much and I want the best for you. Tom seems pretty 'best' to me.
Me: Oh good lord.
Dad: He'd be such a hit when we go to Pop Pop's for Christmas! He'd give thoughtful presents and be very patient with your Aunt Judy. Plus, you'd make me some tall grandbabies with blue eyes and freckles.
Me: Dad, you know I don't want to ha...wait.
Dad: What?
Me: Holy shit.
Dad: Are you okay?
Me: Oh my lord and lady.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: DAD YOU'RE A SHIPPER.
Dad: I don't know what that means.
Me: YOU SHIP ME WITH TOM HIDDLESTON.
Dad: Is a shipper like a pirate?
Me: I don't know how to feel right now.
Dad: Can I be the Captain?
Me: If you start writing RPF about us I will murder you.
Dad: I have no idea what any of this means. Are you upset?
Me: I DON'T EVEN KNOW.